This has got to be quick because I’m really tired this evening. I’ve had a busy day what with my exercise class this morning and lots of proofreading work this afternoon. (Yes I am cheating and posting this on Tuesday evening!!)
Anyway for my contribution today I thought I’d share with you a revamped version of what you read last week. Because I had a lot of comments that people assumed from what I’d written that it wasn’t a good meeting, I’ve changed it so that it reads in a more positive way.
The two friends from school Anna and Melissa are meeting for the first time in many years are called Lizzie and Rachel. And it IS a good meeting, although they didn’t part well when they left school.
In line with it being the 14th August I’m giving you 14 lines (from chapter 2 – cos I can!). Enjoy!
‘Anna!’ She turned to see Lizzie and Rachel standing there. Melissa had turned around too and for a moment the four school friends said nothing, just remained standing there staring at each other. Anna’s old friends still looked much the same, but a little older.
Neither of them were as slim as Anna remembered them being but she thought their curves suited them. And their hair was lovely too. Lizzie’s blonde locks were swept up in a chignon, whilst Rachel’s dark hair which Anna remembered as being very long and hanging down her back was now cut in a chic sharp bob.
They looked delighted to see Anna and Melissa, with grins spread across their faces.
‘It’s so good to see you, Anna,’ Rachel said beaming.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You too.’
‘How are you both?’ Melissa asked. ‘It’s been so long. What are you girls doing these days?’
So there you have it. Please let me know if that’s any better, I really appreciate your comments. 🙂
If you would like to take part in WIPpet Wednesday just post something on your blog that you’ve been working on writing-wise. The only rule is that it must relate in some way to the date. Then add your name to this linky. Thanks as always to K. L. Schwengel for hosting.
Elaine Jeremiah 
Don’t hate me — even though I got the wrong impression regarding the relationships from last week, I like that draft better. It seemed to flow better and keep my interest. In the context of the rest of the story, I’m sure those of us who thought there was some sniping going on would have known better. 🙂
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I reread the previous excerpt. While your descriptions are more exact here (chignon, for example), this excerpt doesn’t include the emotional content of the other–the sniping Kathi mentioned.
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I like the descriptions. It really helps me to picture the characters. Based on what I’ve seen in this excerpt, I feel like you could do us one better with “they looked delighted” and maybe show us what that looks like, or perhaps what that feels like to see those grins for the main protagonist. This is a nitpick though, I still like what you’ve got. 🙂
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The first two or three sentences don’t flow as well as they did in the previous draft. I do enjoy the additional descriptions though! And over all this seems like a much more positive encounter 🙂
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You must hate us all, Elaine, but I have to add my voice to the “I liked the first version better” crew. It felt richer. It gave layers to their personalities that you’ve lost here. Now it’s nice simple “hi, long time no see, okay”.
It was cool sensing an uncomfortable history impending…. and though we didn’t see the resolution, you had plenty of time to make us wonder and then give us the “happy ending”. Please don’t surrender all the history you’d built into these characters just because we can’t see the whole story.
A possible tweak here… spread the description out a bit more (like have your narrative voice focus on the appearance of each character as she speaks).
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I giggled a little over the other comments. There’s no way to win it all. 😛
I like the long to short hair thing. It’s so common, it feels almost homey. I’ve noticed there are very few of us gals who keep our hair super long after we hit, oh, 24 or so.
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Thank you all for your comments, I’ll take them on board. I think you’re right really, I think the previous version is stronger. And next time I don’t think I’ll be quite as quick to roll out a different version!
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Lizzie and Rachel definitely come across as more positive and pleased to see them, however I have to agree with everyone else about the previous version being better – there was more drama and intrigue. It’s always good to try rewriting scenes sometimes as you can then get a clearer picture of what works and what doesn’t so much.
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Thanks Kate, good to have your thoughts.
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I missed the first one (I was writing!), I like the descriptions, but there didn’t seem to be any forward momentum or emotional investment, here.
I have become friends with a few people I did not get along with when we were in school together, and those first meetings were rich in undercurrents, and guarded. Maybe what would work best would be the lightness of this moment of reunion, layered over memory, unspoken context, looking for hints of unpleasantness that may not come…
I like that they have aged, thickened, reinvented themselves in some ways.
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Thanks for your thoughts. I’ve actually gone back to the previous version cos I think it’s better. I’m trying hard to get it right as it’s an important scene. 🙂
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